According to a recent survey of Americans aged 18 – 29, 30% say that having a successful marriage is one of the most important things in their lives. That got me thinking—how would you define a successful marriage?
Most people would probably automatically say that divorce equals an unsuccessful marriage. But if a long term marriage eventually fizzles out and results in divorce, does that make it unsuccessful? What about all those years before the divorce when the couple were happy and built a life together? If a married couple spend decades of misery together but never divorce, would that be considered a successful marriage? Is it just a question of sticking it out?
People often start the New Year with ambitious resolutions. Probably the most common ones are to lose weight, quit smoking, or give up drinking. It only takes one cookie, cigarette, or glass of wine to break those resolutions. We’re now one week into the New Year—have you already broken your New Year’s resolution? The key to keeping resolutions is to accept the fact that you’ll probably “fall off the wagon” but you have to forgive yourself and persevere. This can be particularly tough if your New Year’s resolution is to find love.
A friend of mine decided 2010 is going to be the year for her to meet Mr. Right. She’s been single for several years and has had a few relationships along the way, but the last one was over a year ago. She got a jump start in December by going to a singles event, something she hadn’t done in quite a while. It was all part of her plan to put herself out there, to give herself more opportunities to meet Mr. Right. After being at the singles event for a little while, she couldn’t help but think about that saying, “it’s like riding a bicycle.” It really did come pretty easily and she found herself chatting it up with several men. By the end of the night, she had given her number to a couple of men. None really struck her as “Mr. Right” but she was determined to be open-minded and positive.
One called the very next day. Good, none of that nonsense about waiting three days to call—he already scored a point! It took several days to coordinate things but finally plans were made to meet. YAY—the first date of 2010. She approached the evening with cautious optimism but as soon as they met at the appointed time and place, her heart sank. “I didn’t think he was a magazine cover, but wasn’t he taller with more hair?” she wondered. “And what’s with that outfit?”
She was determined to remain positive as they sat down to have a drink. While she found him pleasant enough, it became quickly apparent that this was not a match. Aside from the complete lack of chemistry, she found him to be a bit boring and arrogant. She stuck it out for a couple of hours and called it a night.
Strike one! Memories of horrible dates flashed before her eyes. Did she really want to put herself through this again? She commiserated with a newly single friend. Both agreed that it was much too early to give up. After all, it was only the first week of 2010 and there are 51 more weeks to go. She resolved to stick with it. Both women are going to yet another singles event next week. I can’t wait to hear about her second date of 2010.
The end of the year is fast approaching so it seems fitting to take a moment and look back at some highlights in the world of celebrity divorces and break-ups. Here, in no particular order, are some of the most notable:
Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren – she stands to get as much as half a billion (yes that’s with a B) dollars!
Jon and Kate Gosselin – a new reality for them!
Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins – sad to see that relationship end after 23 years
Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil — not so civil after all
Sean Penn and Robin Wright – they finally divorced after several attempts
Mel Gibson and wife Robyn – after 28 years and seven children
Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley – so much for their happy ending
North Carolina Governor Mark Sanford and wife Jenny – don’t cry for them Argentina
John Marcotte, a web designer in California, has started a movement to outlaw divorce in his state. He was motivated to start the movement in response to California’s ban on gay marriage. “Since California has decided to protect traditional marriage, I think it would be hypocritical of us not to sacrifice some of our own rights to protect traditional marriage even more.”
While Marcotte’s proposal appears to be a satirical commentary on California’s position on gay marriage and is highly unlikely to move forward, it does give you something to think about. Can you imagine if divorce was actually banned? If people knew going into a marriage that there was absolutely no way out, I’m certain most people would never take the chance of entering into marriage. Airplanes have ejection seats and ships have lifeboats—-shouldn’t marriage have an escape hatch, too?
Outlawing divorce would ultimately be the end of marriage. Think of the havoc that would wreak on the economy. Bridal shops, florists, photographers, and musicians would be affected. Divorce lawyers would become extinct (okay, that wouldn’t be such a loss). Not to mention, outlawing divorce would make the Wedding Ring Coffin obsolete…
It’s November and Thanksgiving is only a few weeks away. Visions of turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce begin to fill our heads. The holiday is also an opportunity to reflect on all that you have to be thankful for. If you’re recently divorced, in the midst of a divorce, or contemplating divorce, the holidays can be an emotionally difficult time and it may not seem like you have much to be thankful for. But think about it, there is definitely something to be thankful for. Maybe it’s something big, like the chance at a new beginning, or the realization that you are finally rid of that turkey you’ve been married to. Maybe it’s something small, like being thankful for a good night’s sleep, uninterupted by his snoring, or being able to come home and not have to talk about her day.
Divorce is never easy, so it can’t hurt to try to focus on the positive things and be thankful for whatever good you can find in such a dificult situation.
A recent article on CNN’s website poses the question, “Is it realistic to expect people to be monogamous?” If you look at so many public figures, from movie stars to politicians, it would be hard to make a case for monogamy. It seems like everyone gets caught cheating.
Maybe I’m a traditionalist, but there is something to be said for monogamy. I like the idea of being committed to one person, but with people living to an average age of 78, maybe it’s just too many years to devote to one person. Serial monogamy might be a good option. Rather than being monogamous with one person for 50 years, how about two 25-year relationships instead? Or five 10-year relationships?
Or is monogamy simply a dated concept? Many couples have begun to explore other, non-traditional ways to keep their relationships going. Open marriages and polyamory allow each partner to “dabble” in other relationships, while at the same time staying committed to one another.
Has something like this ever happened to you? One day last week, I bent down to pick up a stack of newspapers for the recycling bin and the next thing I knew, I was writhing on the floor in pain. I laid there crying for several minutes before I could get myself up and make my way to the couch. For the next eight days, all I did was move myself from the couch to the floor, and to the bed, trying to find a comfortable position.
As I was staring up at the ceiling, I kept thinking about that episode of “Sex and the City” where Miranda, who lives alone, almost chokes. She basically performs the Heimlich Maneuver on herself and then she calls Carrie, freaking out, thinking she could have died alone in her apartment. That’s how I was feeling, totally helpless and all alone. I had visions of being found, laying prostrate on the living room floor having starved to death because I couldn’t get to the kitchen. But then I realized I was just feeling sorry for myself. Several friends had called while I was laid up and when I told them what had happened, they all offered help. I hate to impose, so I declined. But then everyone called again to check up and several insisted on coming by—with food, heating pads, and just to keep me company.
Having friends stop by and take care of me made a huge difference. It made the days go by faster and completely uplifted my mood. And I realized—my situation really was just like Miranda’s. Like her, I don’t currently have a significant other and I live alone. But I’m not alone. Like Miranda, I have my own Carrie, Samantha, and Charlotte and many more good friends. Maybe soon there’ll be a Mr. Big.
A recent article on CNN’s website poses the question, “Is it realistic to expect people to be monogamous?” If you look at so many public figures, from movie stars to politicians, it would be hard to make a case for monogamy. It seems like everyone gets caught cheating.
