A young woman I know has been involved with her boyfriend for the past three years.  She lives in NY and he lives overseas. She just completed her first year of graduate school and they are now ready to take the relationship to the next level.  He’s coming to the States and will be here on a student visa, attending another graduate school.  They planned to live together in student housing at the woman’s school.  However, since they aren’t married, the school requires certain documentation be filled out in order for them to live together.  They must sign and notarize an “Affidavit of Love,” a document which states that they are in love, are in a committed relationship, and they intend to be monogamous.  REALLY!  I am not making this up.

At first, the idea struck me as a little crazy and kind of comical.  An affidavit of love?  But then I thought, maybe it isn’t such a crazy idea.  Maybe all couples should use a document like this when they decide to be in a monogamous, committed relationship.  Would signing an affidavit of love make the decision feel more official, more binding?  Would couples take the relationship more seriously?  Or would it just be another promise which can be easily broken, like marriage vows?

People often start the New Year with ambitious resolutions.  Probably the most common ones are to lose weight, quit smoking, or give up drinking.  It only takes one cookie, cigarette, or glass of wine to break those resolutions.  We’re now one week into the New Year—have you already broken your New Year’s resolution?   The key to keeping resolutions is to accept the fact that you’ll probably “fall off the wagon” but you have to forgive yourself and persevere.  This can be particularly tough if your New Year’s resolution is to find love. 

A friend of mine decided 2010 is going to be the year for her to meet Mr. Right.  She’s been single for several years and has had a few relationships along the way, but the last one was over a year ago.  She got a jump start in December by going to a singles event, something she hadn’t done in quite a while.  It was all part of her plan to put herself out there, to give herself more opportunities to meet Mr. Right.  After being at the singles event for a little while, she couldn’t help but think about that saying, “it’s like riding a bicycle.”  It really did come pretty easily and she found herself chatting it up with several men.  By the end of the night, she had given her number to a couple of men.  None really struck her as “Mr. Right” but she was determined to be open-minded and positive.

One called the very next day.  Good, none of that nonsense about waiting three days to call—he already scored a point!  It took several days to coordinate things but finally plans were made to meet.  YAY—the first date of 2010.  She approached the evening with cautious optimism but as soon as they met at the appointed time and place, her heart sank.  “I didn’t think he was a magazine cover, but wasn’t he taller with more hair?” she wondered.  “And what’s with that outfit?” 

She was determined to remain positive as they sat down to have a drink.  While she found him pleasant enough, it became quickly apparent that this was not a match.  Aside from the complete lack of chemistry, she found him to be a bit boring and arrogant.  She stuck it out for a couple of hours and called it a night.

Strike one!  Memories of horrible dates flashed before her eyes.  Did she really want to put herself through this again?  She commiserated with a newly single friend.  Both agreed that it was much too early to give up.  After all, it was only the first week of 2010 and there are 51 more weeks to go.  She resolved to stick with it.  Both women are going to yet another singles event next week.  I can’t wait to hear about her second date of 2010.

Of course by now you’ve heard that Jon and Kate Gosselin, the reality show parents with eight children, are divorcing.  Rumors have been circulating for a while about Jon and his extracirricular activities.  On the other hand, people will probably blame Kate for being a bit controlling and overbearing.  It’s unfortunate, but I’m not really interested in how they got here.  What I’m wondering about is what’s ahead for them.

Anyone who has been out there dating after a divorce knows that everyone comes with some baggage.  One can only hope that your potential future mate has baggage which is “carry-on.”  Unfortunately, there are a lot of  “steamer trunks” out there.  But eight kids?  That’s enough baggage to fill a freight truck!  

So I can’t help but wonder who would be interested in dating either Jon or Kate.  Really, would you want to get involved in all that?  I think it’s pretty safe to say that if Jon or Kate weren’t a “celebrity,”  the chances of either of them finding someone who would want to become a step-parent to eight children would be pretty remote.  I hope they’ll both be careful; there are a lot of people looking for their 15 minutes of fame.

Hey, maybe there’s another set of divorced parents out there with six or eight kids.  Put them together with Jon and Kate and they’ll have another reality show, a modern day “Yours, Mine, and Ours.”

I recently wrote an article about men who suddenly disappear (Abracadabra, August 29, 2008).  You know the kind I mean—the ones who are too cowardly to tell you they don’t want to see you anymore.  Maybe they changed their minds or they met someone else.  You don’t know what happened because they never explain, they just vanish—POOF!  I thought that was confusing, but how about when they suddenly reappear?

First there was the friend who dated a guy at least half a dozen times and then he suddenly disappeared.  Four months later, she receives a text message from him, “Hi, how was your summer?” She was completely baffled and had no idea how to respond.  Being the polite type, she didn’t think it was appropriate to completely ignore him.  She texted him back with a simple, “Fine. Yours?”  I guess he just needed an opening because his next couple of texts were flirtatious and then he suggested they go to a movie that night.  Needless to say, she declined.

Then there was the friend who dated a guy for several months.  About one month after professing his love for her, he vanished into thin air.  Then out of the blue, 10 months after his disappearance, he sends her an email.  It was a pretty innocuous email, he forwarded some photos that he thought she’d be interested in. But he sent it to her business email address rather than her personal account, ended with “hope all is well with you,” and signed it with his full name, like he’d do with a business letter.  Not only was she confused by his sudden reappearance, she was also annoyed.  No word for 10 months and this is how he makes contact? She debated whether or not to respond (she’s polite, too) but in the end she decided that his email didn’t warrant a response.

To me, the sudden disappearance is definitely the act of a coward and the sudden reappearance by text or email is just as cowardly.  A real man with real intentions would have the courage to call or come knocking on your door.  What do you think?

I recently met a guy who made it clear he was interested in me, but I wasn’t really interested in him.  We were around the same age and had similar backgrounds.  He was a successful professional and not bad looking,  but he just didn’t seem like my type.  He seemed too serious,  too grown up for me.  After some prodding from a couple of friends, I decided to give him a chance. After a few dates, he actually started to grow on me.  “Grow on you?  What is he a fungus? ” quipped a friend.  We ended up dating for several months but in the end I realized he wasn’t my type at all.  He was boring, a workaholic, and just generally not fun.  I should have trusted my instincts—I need a fun guy, not fungi!

Oh how I wish I never heard that phrase again from the single gals/guys I know and love. With the pressure to be thin, fit, attractive, and younger than our years, as well as pretending to be mentally balanced, how can society additionally heap on us retreads (some more than others) the need to have a date every weekend? How can we keep up that unrealistic and exhausting pace? We have kids, jobs and obligations—not to mention life’s baggage (anything from carry-on to steamer trunk). It just makes me frustrated that we still have the pressure to have an instant significant other when I know all too well that it is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. Even on a Saturday night! It is okay to be alone and enjoy our own company during the time it takes to meet that special person. It’s not like you have a choice—it will happen when it will happen no matter how proactive you are.

Be open, be careful, be happy, be patient and above all else enjoy “Mr./Ms. Right Now” until “Mr./Ms. Right” comes along.

A very wise woman I know offered me some dating advice which I think is worth sharing. “Alana” spent most of her 20’s and 30’s doing A LOT of dating before getting married at age 38. The first decade or so was filled with lots of disappointment and heartache and she almost gave up. Instead, she decided that she needed a more systematic approach to dating. The first thing she did was to sit down and write out a list of her rules for dating. I know, we’ve all heard of and/or read “The Rules” but those rules don’t work for everyone. You need to figure out what rules apply to you, what things are non-negotiable for you in a relationship. They can be about physical attributes, personality traits, dating etiquette and anything else that really matters to you.

We all have a list in our heads, but the act of actually writing that list out somehow makes it feel more official. The list also helps when we let our emotions cloud our judgment. We’ve all had those occasions when we’re feeling vulnerable and let something slide even though we know it isn’t acceptable. Referring to your written list reminds you of what you really want and expect in a relationship.

The second thing Alana did was stick to her list, no exceptions! One of Alana’s rules was that if a man told her he’d call on say, Tuesday but then didn’t call until Friday, she was done. That happened with one guy she dated a few times. When he finally called, she told him she wasn’t interested in dating him anymore, that he was unreliable and inconsiderate. He didn’t get it and continued to call her for an entire year, but she wouldn’t budge. Her feeling was that everyone is on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship, so if this was the best he could do after only a few dates, how inconsiderate would he be after a few months. Now, maybe that sounds crazy to you but it doesn’t matter. It was Alana’s rule and she stuck to it.

So take some time to think about your rules, commit them to memory as well as paper, and you just might end up with that commitment you’re looking for.

Yesterday was Labor Day and like thousands of other people, I spent the day at the beach.  The weather was beautiful and it was totally relaxing. I love just hanging out under my umbrella, reading, and watching all the activity.  One person who caught my eye was a man who was walking along the beach with a metal detector. You’ve seen those guys, trolling the beach, hunting for treasure. As I watched him I couldn’t help but laugh at an analogy that came to mind. Looking for that new special somebody is a lot like hunting for treasure on the beach.  First of all, there’s an awful lot of ground to cover.  Along the way, it’s likely that you’ll come upon something that looks like it might be valuable, but on closer inspection, it appears to be worthless. The hunt requires a lot of patience and perseverance as well as some luck.  There’s no guarantee that you’ll ever find that treasure but think how exciting it will be if you do!

For the rest of the afternoon, I thought about the idea of hunting for treasure. Once I got home, I searched online for information about beach hunting and came upon some interesting articles and websites which only served to support my analogy.  The website www.gometaldetecting.com offers some beach hunting tips that can definitely be applied to dating. For instance, they say there’s a lot more competition out there, so instead of going to the most popular beaches, try a less popular one. This might not be a bad idea in the hunt for love. How many thousands of people are you competing with on those huge internet dating sites?  Perhaps a less popular site with less competition would yield better results; or spending time at a smaller, quieter restaurant or bar rather than one of those meat markets.

Another beach hunting tip offered is, “Stop running around trying to cover the whole beach like there in no tomorrow. Slow down!”  The same can be said for dating. Put yourself out there but don’t be frantic about it; it can be perceived as desperation.

On the other hand, “Watch your coil height, are you one of those that keep it off the ground about a foot? Are you afraid to scratch it? Hmm, maybe that’s why you’re not finding much.”  Same with dating—you have to be in the game and take some chances.

So, don’t be discouraged if your hunt turns up lots of trash. Keep at it and eventually you just may find that buried treasure.