A funny thing happened on my way to the subway. It was a rainy evening and I had just dropped my car off at the parking garage after spending the day out in the suburbs. I needed to walk over to the subway to get downtown to my apartment. I zigzagged along a few avenues and a couple of streets, all the while holding my umbrella in one hand and my cell phone in the other. As I chatted with a friend, I suddenly noticed someone—NO, it can’t be. At the same moment, he noticed me and started calling my name. I abruptly hung up on my friend and acknowledged him—my ex-husband! In order to understand how slim the odds are of us running into each other, you have to know that not only doesn’t he live in the same city or state as I do, we don’t even live on the same continent. I could have been walking down any one of several streets, but the red and green of the traffic lights determined my route. He had been inside a restaurant having a business dinner but had to step outside to take a phone call from that other continent. We had a brief, perfectly amicable conversation but I walked away feeling a bit unsettled. It’s strange to have such a perfunctory exchange with someone who at one time had been one of the most important people in your life.

One friend immediately said, “synchronicity” when I told her about my accidental encounter. Synchronicity is defined as the coincidence of events that seem related but are not obviously caused by one another. Was it synchronicity? Fate? I guess it must have happened for a reason, but I haven’t figured it out yet.

What sorts of synchronic encounters have you had with your ex?

As the saying goes, timing is everything. So when is it the right time to tell your family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and other assorted relations that you and your spouse have decided to call it quits? It’s complicated. First of all, you better be sure that there’s no chance that you and your spouse will be reconciling. There’s nothing worse than premature annunciation.

There’s also a kind of hierarchy that needs to be followed. It really is important to make sure the people closest to you hear the news directly from you and not through the grapevine. I accomplished this by sending out a mass email. But I came up with another idea as I was reading this weekend’s Sunday NY Times. They have a whole section devoted to wedding announcements. How about a section devoted to separations and divorces? It would be so efficient, an easy way to inform a lot of people. It would also give match.com and jdate some competition.

Wedding announcements typically include a picture of the happy couple and all their vital statistics such as age, employment, parents’ info and where the happy union took place. A newly separated or divorced man or woman could submit an announcement with their age and employment as well as additional data such as height and weight. Other optional information—-length of marriage and ages of children. All this information could accompany a fetching photo of the newly available.

What do you think?

Did you hear the one about the Bosnian couple?

A man and woman, both in an unhappy marriage, find each other online.  They begin chatting, pouring out their hearts to one another about their miserable marriages, consoling each other, etc.  After carrying on their online affair for a while, “Sweetie” and “Prince of Joy” have fallen in love and finally decide to meet in person.  They arrange to meet outside a shop, each carrying a single rose.  Just imagine the excitement and anticipation.  Now imagine their shock and disappointment when they realize that they were already married TO EACH OTHER!  Not so sweet and joyous.

It was a real life version of that Rupert Holmes song, “If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain…” In that song, the couple realized how much they love each other and live happily ever after.  This cyber version ended with the couple filing for divorce.

I can’t decide if the story is funny or sad.  But it got me thinking. 

If you were to meet your spouse now, instead of all those years ago, would you be attracted to him/her?  Is this someone you would want to spend the rest of your life with?

Mr. X and I finally decided to split up after 20 years of marriage. I’m not sure how he would characterize those 20 years, but I’d say we had a good 17 out of 20. The three not so good years weren’t simply the final three years but it’s my estimate of the total days throughout the entire marriage where I wasn’t happy. The days of being mad, giving him the silent treatment, hoping he’d get stuck at the office and I’d be asleep when he got home, fantasizing about life without him. Yet even during those times I never really thought we wouldn’t be together forever. I took my marriage vows very seriously and truly thought we’d grow old together. We did try to make it work but ultimately it became apparent that we’d be better off without each other. Life is full of surprises and sometimes you just have to adjust your thinking.

Once we made our decision, we waited a few months before we “went public.” During that time I gave a lot of thought as to how I would break the news of the breakup to my family and close friends. I made a list of all the people I’d have to tell and realized that I’d have to break the news over three dozen times. I honestly didn’t think I had the energy, either physically or emotionally, to go through it so many times. I finally decided to tell everybody via email. I know that might sound a little cold, but it was the best thing for me. I spent a lot of time preparing the email, agonizing over every word. I guess I did a pretty good job with the email because in the end everybody, all the most important people in my life, reacted just as I had hoped they would—with love, support, and encouragement.

How did you break the news of your breakup?